On the Potential to Thrive – Despite Difference
By Jeni Stepanek, Ph.D.
Executive Director, Mattie J.T. Stepanek Foundation
"We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts, to nurture, to offer, to accept… In so many ways, we are the same. Our differences are unique treasures." - Mattie J.T. Stepanek
When my son, Mattie, was born with a rare and life-shortening disability, I was advised, “Do not bond with him,” and instead, “allow the disease to run its course” without life-extending intervention. I was also warned that if he survived, even for a brief while, he would probably never walk, talk, think, or in general – “be like” – other children and people.
At that time, I was not sure about the best gift I could offer this tiny baby. He was destined to have a lifespan marked by brevity, and an existence shaped by inevitable challenges that come with “being different.” And because of this, even before he was born or known to us in person, Mattie was already being judged unfavorably. Due to differences and many unknowns, he was measured as less worthy of time and attention by many knowledgeable and respectable people – including friends and professionals.
What I was certain about though, was that despite any differences my son may have, he mattered. I believed that Mattie’s “being” in this world had purpose – just as all people in the world have purpose in some way. And through purpose, he was connected to others, and really, not so different from them after all.
So, rather than allowing a diagnostic label and unsettling differences be reasons for me to step back from caring, my choice was to step up – and strive to do all I could to help this child not only survive, but also thrive.
In spite of predictions, it turned out that in many ways, Mattie really was like other children and people. He enjoyed playing and being with others, and learning about his world. And when he was bullied by others or facing painful medical realities, he felt hurt or sad or scared.
However, as predicted, Mattie also lived a very challenging life, and he fulfilled expectations that he would be different. But he also celebrated his time on earth with amazing resilience, and his differences became sources of strength and inspiration – for Mattie, and also for millions of people around the world. And through it all, Mattie lived with intent and purpose, and he taught us to think differently about “peace” – for one’s self and for our world, despite differences.
These are just a few of the many lessons Mattie shared: - Peace is not about agreeing with others, or being like others, or even liking others, but about being with others in a non-judgmental way and not resorting to neglect, abuse, or violence to recognize or resolve differences.
- Peace becomes possible within each person when their basic needs are met, which enables them to be “okay” with who and how they are as person, despite differences.
- Basic needs like food, water, education, healthcare, and shelter allow a person to “survive,” but it is basic needs like security, trust, hope and communion with others that enable a person to “thrive.”
- Peace can become a reality when, once we are “okay” with who and how we are as a person, we choose to consider and tend to the needs of others, so that they, too, can survive and thrive and be “okay” with who and how they are as person – despite differences.
- Peace is possible, if we choose to make peace something that matters, for ourselves and for all people.
Mattie J.T. Stepanek died in 2004, three weeks before his 14th birthday. But today, he is still remembered with ongoing purpose, as a “poet, a peacemaker, and a philosopher who played.” His legacy includes six volumes of “Heartsongs” poetry and one collection of “Just Peace” essays – all of them NY Times Bestsellers, as well as many educational programs and resources that are rooted in Mattie’s wisdom and words.
It’s not that Mattie defied predictions and odds, and survived and thrived despite so many differences that makes his life and legacy so remarkable. Nor is it the long list of awards and honors he received both during his lifespan and posthumously that makes me most proud of my son. What matters most, is that Mattie knew that he mattered – that he had purpose, despite being different from others – and he knew that all other people matter and have purpose as well, despite their differences from him or from others.
I am grateful for the timeless lessons my son offered. And, I encourage all people – diverse in age and ability, and aspiration and alternative realities – to pause for a moment, and consider this important truth, inspired by a young man who recognized diversity as a treasured gift for humanity:
Peace is for all people. It begins with personal choices in attitudes and habits that impact our own purpose, and it grows through (or is interrupted by) our choices in words and actions that impact the purpose of other people. When we choose to give time and attention to learning about our neighbors, and when we replace unknowns and indifference with care and attention to basic needs, then peace moves from possibility to reality. Do not strive to “be like” others. Simply “be with” others – in peace, so that we all have the potential to not only survive, but also to thrive – despite differences.
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Jeni Stepanek, Ph.D., is the author of the NY Times Bestseller, Messenger: The Legacy of Mattie J.T. Stepanek and Heartsongs. She works as a Faculty Associate in special education at the University of Maryland, and serves as the Executive Director of the Mattie J.T. Stepanek Foundation. She is also known as “Mama Peace” by hundreds of global teens who are choosing to improve the world by tending to basic human needs. To learn more about Jeni, Mattie, or their message and mission for peace, please visit www.MattieOnline.com.
Executive Director, Mattie J.T. Stepanek Foundation
"We have, we are, a mosaic of gifts, to nurture, to offer, to accept… In so many ways, we are the same. Our differences are unique treasures." - Mattie J.T. Stepanek
When my son, Mattie, was born with a rare and life-shortening disability, I was advised, “Do not bond with him,” and instead, “allow the disease to run its course” without life-extending intervention. I was also warned that if he survived, even for a brief while, he would probably never walk, talk, think, or in general – “be like” – other children and people.
At that time, I was not sure about the best gift I could offer this tiny baby. He was destined to have a lifespan marked by brevity, and an existence shaped by inevitable challenges that come with “being different.” And because of this, even before he was born or known to us in person, Mattie was already being judged unfavorably. Due to differences and many unknowns, he was measured as less worthy of time and attention by many knowledgeable and respectable people – including friends and professionals.
What I was certain about though, was that despite any differences my son may have, he mattered. I believed that Mattie’s “being” in this world had purpose – just as all people in the world have purpose in some way. And through purpose, he was connected to others, and really, not so different from them after all.
So, rather than allowing a diagnostic label and unsettling differences be reasons for me to step back from caring, my choice was to step up – and strive to do all I could to help this child not only survive, but also thrive.
In spite of predictions, it turned out that in many ways, Mattie really was like other children and people. He enjoyed playing and being with others, and learning about his world. And when he was bullied by others or facing painful medical realities, he felt hurt or sad or scared.
However, as predicted, Mattie also lived a very challenging life, and he fulfilled expectations that he would be different. But he also celebrated his time on earth with amazing resilience, and his differences became sources of strength and inspiration – for Mattie, and also for millions of people around the world. And through it all, Mattie lived with intent and purpose, and he taught us to think differently about “peace” – for one’s self and for our world, despite differences.
These are just a few of the many lessons Mattie shared: - Peace is not about agreeing with others, or being like others, or even liking others, but about being with others in a non-judgmental way and not resorting to neglect, abuse, or violence to recognize or resolve differences.
- Peace becomes possible within each person when their basic needs are met, which enables them to be “okay” with who and how they are as person, despite differences.
- Basic needs like food, water, education, healthcare, and shelter allow a person to “survive,” but it is basic needs like security, trust, hope and communion with others that enable a person to “thrive.”
- Peace can become a reality when, once we are “okay” with who and how we are as a person, we choose to consider and tend to the needs of others, so that they, too, can survive and thrive and be “okay” with who and how they are as person – despite differences.
- Peace is possible, if we choose to make peace something that matters, for ourselves and for all people.
Mattie J.T. Stepanek died in 2004, three weeks before his 14th birthday. But today, he is still remembered with ongoing purpose, as a “poet, a peacemaker, and a philosopher who played.” His legacy includes six volumes of “Heartsongs” poetry and one collection of “Just Peace” essays – all of them NY Times Bestsellers, as well as many educational programs and resources that are rooted in Mattie’s wisdom and words.
It’s not that Mattie defied predictions and odds, and survived and thrived despite so many differences that makes his life and legacy so remarkable. Nor is it the long list of awards and honors he received both during his lifespan and posthumously that makes me most proud of my son. What matters most, is that Mattie knew that he mattered – that he had purpose, despite being different from others – and he knew that all other people matter and have purpose as well, despite their differences from him or from others.
I am grateful for the timeless lessons my son offered. And, I encourage all people – diverse in age and ability, and aspiration and alternative realities – to pause for a moment, and consider this important truth, inspired by a young man who recognized diversity as a treasured gift for humanity:
Peace is for all people. It begins with personal choices in attitudes and habits that impact our own purpose, and it grows through (or is interrupted by) our choices in words and actions that impact the purpose of other people. When we choose to give time and attention to learning about our neighbors, and when we replace unknowns and indifference with care and attention to basic needs, then peace moves from possibility to reality. Do not strive to “be like” others. Simply “be with” others – in peace, so that we all have the potential to not only survive, but also to thrive – despite differences.
============================
Jeni Stepanek, Ph.D., is the author of the NY Times Bestseller, Messenger: The Legacy of Mattie J.T. Stepanek and Heartsongs. She works as a Faculty Associate in special education at the University of Maryland, and serves as the Executive Director of the Mattie J.T. Stepanek Foundation. She is also known as “Mama Peace” by hundreds of global teens who are choosing to improve the world by tending to basic human needs. To learn more about Jeni, Mattie, or their message and mission for peace, please visit www.MattieOnline.com.